The world is full of potentialities for disaster. Those disasters can range from Armageddon to Apocalypse to tornadoes to hurricanes to Simon leaving American Idol. Any one of these situations could throw society into chaos and require you to go without food and water for many days. But I’m ready. You can be too. Here’s why and how.
The trick, you see, is to plan far in advance, and once your plan is set, to be diligent in that preparation. One never knows where you will be when such a tragedy occurs. So to build a bunker and stock it with supplies will only help you when you are home. We have such a bunker, which I will describe. But first, one must plan for the situation of NOT being at home. Here is how I did it.
For the past 15 years, I have been eating about 1000 more calories per day than I need to survive. The result of this persistence is about 25 extra pounds of body weight that some might view as unnecessary or a result of a sheer lack of discipline. Actually, the opposite is true. With this extra store of energy strapped to my side, I figure I can last at least two or three weeks without food or with very little food, and I’ll still survive just fine. It’s like a built-in backup battery system. I have essentially become an HFI, or what is coming to be known as a “Hybrid Fuel Individual”. If it is just me and some health-nut- 2%-body-fat person trapped in a room or a basement somewhere, I’ll be just fine, and they will be trying to eat the paint off the walls to get enough calories to survive. They are mono-fuel. I am hybrid fuel. I’m ready. I might not beat them in a marathon or a Mr. Body Building contest, but I won’t be eating paint.
The act of eating and storing this extra energy takes preparation and discipline in implementation. The preparation comes at the grocery store. They say that you EAT what you BUY, so all good diets start while you are pushing your grocery cart. Sure, get the heart-healthy food, get the low-cal this and the high-fiber that. But remember, for disaster planning sake, to stop by the saturated fat aisle as well. It only takes a minute, and it could save your life. We have certain staples that we keep on hand just to ensure our program goes smoothly. Tostito Chips with a Hint of Lime, Grasshopper Cookies, and my wife’s homemade chocolate chip cookies are a few. If we are on the road, we make sure we load into our GPS the location of all Sonics and Dairy Queens. You just never know.
The discipline in implementation comes when you see 10,000 ads per week on how to LOSE weight. You must not pay attention to these. Instead, cultivate your inner will and fight through. And when you approach the snack cupboard at 9:00 pm each night, don’t let the pangs of guilt brought on by an overly health-conscious society stand in between you and proper disaster planning.
Some of you might be picturing me as a giant Twinkie. No, I’m not fat. I’m 6’2 and about 220 lbs. I bike and play racquetball and work in the yard and do pushups and situps every day. But I’m not a Michelangelo sculpture either. I spent the first half of adulthood as a specimen of skin and bones. I looked like a pale Somali pirate. But I took my unprepared condition into my own hands, and through the hard work of consuming 1000 more calories per day than I needed over the past 15 years, I’m now a very capable disaster survivor. I notice that many of my friends are also using this strategy. They too were skinny for many years, but they overcame their affliction and are now as capable as I. Several of them are even FAR MORE capable. A few of them could last several years locked in a safe as long as they had air, water, and their cellphones. I’m proud of their courage and their diligence. I know that you can do it too. It just takes sheer will power.
As for the bunker in the basement, it is actually my son’s apartment. When the tornado comes, we’ll have enough remnants of Taco Bell, Subway, and donuts to last for a long time. We sometimes attribute his room’s condition to laziness, but then we have to stop and consider the fact that he just might be taking my example of preparation and discipline to heart.
Waiting for the mafia
160 lbs. I would not have lasted a single day without food. I was 28 years old, not old enough to know any better. But look at the picture a bit more closely. Do you recall my article a couple weeks ago on how my Great Dane saved our family from the mafia?
Mafias Best Buddy Well, here are the three little boys (Jeremy, Joel, and Brad) and I playing in the front yard on that very day. I found this picture as we were rooting through old pics this week.
Anyway, have a great week. And don’t waste any more precious time. Get started on your disaster planning right now.
One Comment
You forgot Ahogalypse now, also known as swine flue.